John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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