Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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