you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
