im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
