Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
