They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
