this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
