I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
where are my eyebrows?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
