No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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