Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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