i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
