how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Randomize
