we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
