Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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