also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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