I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
porn star boner night. come get it.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
