My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Randomize
