that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
