I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
