From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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