Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
