I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
