Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Randomize
