my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
