You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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