she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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