That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
