Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
