I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
