it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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