everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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