You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
