Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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