I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
