Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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