Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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