The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
