How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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