I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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