I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Randomize
