Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize