Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
