note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
