Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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