so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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