when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
