Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
