his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize
