I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
