I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
