Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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