I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
