I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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