I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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