yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
