Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
