Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
